This Column Was Written by a Stoned Bot

[COLUMNIST’S NOTE: As a cannabis columnist, I receive endless press releases, emails, and marketing materials relating to new cannabis and hemp products, projects, events, conferences, and expos.

I gathered 1,000 of these pieces, and forced a stoned bot to read them and then write the following press releases—because if there’s anything independent newspapers have, it’s a sizable budget for advanced AI computers that analyze content and produce original material.

Uh, maybe get high for this one.]

Cha-ching for Ch-Chads, Again

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Empathy-impared, wealthy loud white men with disdain toward differences in others made several trillion-dollar investments into companies that make cannabis for pot-smoker people.

Sad little men promised that their empty souls and greed won’t dilute and destroy their pot-business products. “Everything is a commodity, so we now make the best marijuana, just like guns and pesticides,” they droned in unison. “It’s all the same. 420 Jamaica Snoopy Dogg Kush time, Brohaim!””

A polo-shirted PR cog whined, “Everything we make is bio-bi-dynamic questioning, organic-ish, influencer-ready, vegan-embraced, boat raised and oarganic, socially transmitted, whorganic, LGBTQRST, industry leading horse to water, ‘Most Woke’-award-winning, and—most importantly—organic.”

Added interchangeble business male who has smoked weed a total of three times, “We very much love earth, nature, the world, and diversity, so instead of stealing cheap and plentiful light from sun with an outdoor grow, we’ve built our mega gigawatt chain of warehouses with the utmost lack of attention to environmental concerns.

We will increase profits bigly because that is good business, and we really good at business. We sold coal and wrote apps. How different can weed be?”

New Cannabis Product Is Mega Badass and Will Change Your Life, Bro

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: A brand-new supremest rad thing in history of time is about to redecorate what the cannabis experience is and disrupt the space forever. Whatever Boomer!

Using only the terminally sickest and most technical tech, this most really super good thing tested at 368 percent on the THC TVC15 scale, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

“People will spit on all other cannabis products once they put this in their smoke hole,” seller of Best Shit Ever™ shouted while soiling themselves. “It tastes like OG Fuel Haze Garlic Glue Cake Kush Berry Dogshit Cookies—but with all the terpenes taken out, given steroids, beaten with a belt, and reintroduced via high-pressure nuclear fusion.

Anything not made this way is the equivalent of rotting seal guts and burning medical waste, so consumers be idiots not to use this product exclusively for the rest of their lives. Don’t be idiot, buy this now and much!””

CBD Cures Death and Makes Everyone a Superman Forever Jedi

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: CBD is better than anything, ever. Given a choice between air and CBD, choose CBD, always. There’s nothing nowhere that has ever been wrong with you that cannot be totally fixed with CBD. I guarantee it now, new friend!

A smart, word-filled study by lab-coat scientamologists prove with facts that the reason God is powerful is because of CBD. Want powers of God? Yes! Now take many CBDs! This product will make you and your pets live forever, and never age and always stay golden fresh and rich, with longtime good sex making times and much strong fat hair.

Sadly Mark Your Calendar: Trade Expo and Canna Con Returns

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The same drained, tired-looking people you were forced to make small talk last year are back at this year’s Soul-Sucking Trade Expo and CannaCon—now returning to huge, drab, anonymous space near airport!

This year, participants will appear more depressed than ever and talk at you about accessing disruptive real time interactive apples. March in circles with the biggest herds of people who make/sell/eat/package/process the cannabis weed-pot.

Desperate booths of sadness staffed with Weedple bleating hunger for large burn pile of dollars line row after row after row. “Give me card!” they shriek. “Follow! Repost! Share! Take free plastic garbage with my name on it! Take now!”

Stare glazed-eyed across endless rows of products, services, and service products! Learn about all of the flash-in-the-pan cannabis breakthroughs and erroneous projections from overpaid speakers in disconcertingly spacious meeting rooms!

Josh Taylor is a well-known and successful entrepreneur in the legal cannabis space, producing B2B and B2C cannabis events, "Backstage Budtending" and upscale concierge services through his companies and His weekly syndicated newspaper column and features about cannabis ran for five years until March 2020.

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